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Acceptance saved my life.
So it is with much fanfare and vigor, that I would read RebelGirl's recent article entitled "Acceptance...." I would tell you about it but it would detract from the simplicity of her message. I would invite you to read her short yet powerful article only if you are a member of the empathetic, compassionate, and loving species of the human race. The rest of you, unfortunately, may not understand. And this is where my article comes in.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I am also a recovering self-mutilator and anorexic. I believe, rather than classifying myself as one formerly "messed up" kid, I could safely say that all of my "isms" - these external symptoms of my internal chaos, also known as "i, self, and me" - were results of my being controlled, feelings of being controlled, or feelings of lack of control. Or to make a larger and more sufficient umbrella, that would capture the more complete picture, let me say, "Symptoms of Codependency."
Codependency is not necessarily the needy and clingy person who needs to have a relationship to suit her - though that could be one manifestation. No, codependency is, by simple definition, that act in which we give up [or never felt as if we had] autonomy over our own selves or lives or in which we place autonomy of our lives into the hands of another person - whether it's a parent, a sibling, a romantic partner, or even a child. [See my offsite article "What is Codependency?" for more information and examples.]
Acceptance is the Answer to Codependency
Let me say it was the answer to *my* codependency. And if this baffles you, I am here to hopefully clear that up. I was baffled too! "You mean I have to have to accept that people will control me?" Oh no. See. This is where it bit me in the butt. I thought that when I heard people say, "I have to accept it." that that is what they meant. No. Not even a little bitty bit.
No. What I had to accept is that these people who tried to control me or who controlled me were going to keep on controlling me or trying to, despite my alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism. They were going to continue trying to control me even if I got down to 90 pounds. They were going to continue trying to control me even if they witnessed the knife marks on my wrists. That with my not having a developed voice at the time, the only way I could exhibit my pain was to hurt myself. I had never developed the ability to simply say, "No more.'
So acceptance came in when I discovered I had a part I needed to play. My part, if I were to live happy, joyous, and free, was to accept I was deficient in some tools. [Note that I did not say, "I had to accept I was deficient as a person."] Once I accepted that I wanted to recover from self-harm, I had to accept that to stay that way, I had to accept I did not have the answers already. Once I accepted I did not have the tools, I could work on achieving them. [As evidenced already, my answers took the form of hurting myself and that surely wasn't working was it?]
Are you the Controlled Person or the Controlling Person?
Codependency manifests one of two ways. Believe it or not, the controlled person who lacks healthy tools and resources to take care of herself is *just* as "codependent" as the controlling person who lacks healthy tools and resources to take care of herself. Oh yes! It's a mind blower isn't it? :-)
The person, then, who has been the thorn in your side for many many years...Would you believe it if I told you that she was once the controlled? Think about that for a few minutes and it makes perfect sense. She was either controlled by maybe someone else's alcoholism [and vowed it would never happen again] or she was perhaps controlled by a parent's mental or emotional illness and though that in order to combat it she needed to be *more in control* of her environment or maybe she was even controlled by a spouse's abusive fists or words and figured that for that to never happen again, she would simply be more diligent in controlling others around her.
The good news for this sort of codependent is that they, too, can recover. The bad news for this sort of codependent [or even worse for the others around them] is that as long as there is a controllable person around, they rarely do because they have yet to reach their own personal bottom in finally realizing they cannot control other people into providing them happiness or serenity. But once they have finally gained a level of acceptance in knowing that their tools of control fail to actually control their environment, and their misery has reached an all-time low, there is a solution.
Many types of these sorts of codies can be found in your local Al-Anon meetings. These people in one way or another have been affected by another person's alcoholism and only in finally getting miserable enough in realizing they cannot win against this disease, they go into Al-Anon as a broken shell of a person. This is good news for them because they now have an opportunity to learn how to finally get to real peace and serenity.
Other support systems for Codependent Recovery include NarAnon, CoDA, and ACoA and it matters little which sort of "control" you fall under; the controlled or the controller. At any time, I have found that I waffle between the two although my primary problem was being "the controlled."
Lack of power! This was our dilemma!
Acceptance gives us Power
By accepting our shortcomings, our frailties, or where we're falling short, we can find a remedy. In this, is where our power is. As long as we remain in denial and non-acceptance we continue trying to fix, manage, and control ourselves or our environment in order for us or it to somehow remain "safe." And while doing so, notice we have anger, rage, sadness, fear, dis-contentedness, and chaos.
I certainly was not happy cutting myself. I was also not happy starving. I was definitely not happy needing to drink every day. But somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I mistakenly thought if I could act out enough or take up less space or do what was asked during the day while numbing myself up at night, that the world would finally ignore me and leave me alone; that it would quit trying to control me. This is my truth and I accept that.
So that when my personal first step was to stop drinking, it took a lot of work but I was finally able to stay stopped while at the same time being happy in my own skin. It did not take long, however, for me to discover and remember why I turned to alcohol in the first place; the world was still here and it still tried to dominate me.
I kid you not. My first week in a 12 step recovery group and two women in succession over a two day period approached me with "You're too skinny. You need to gain weight." So let this please be a lesson to members of 12 step recovery groups; "Mind your own business. When anyone's weight - or anything else - becomes your business, I am sure they will let you know." Not to mention, anyone who says anything close to this has just revealed to me they are "controllers." In the case of the two women who said this to me, their personal failings of controlling their environment were manifested in their obesity. [Yes. They eat out of a lack of control.]
Before I sought recovery for my "being controlled" issues, I needed something before then as it was increasingly clear that there were some folks in these 12 step meetings who had their own controlling issues. Fortunately I met a friend who had 25 yrs sobriety and suggested a book: "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. To this day, I think that by reading that book, and being willing to try the suggestions in it, I stayed sober. And after a year of sobriety is when I would seek a 12 step Codependency-flavored group.
Self-Acceptance & Other-Acceptance
Acceptance is key. But not the kind of acceptance that necessarily means "agree with." Rather, the kind of acceptance that means "to acknowledge."
The kind of acceptance that freed me from bondage was the acceptance that is the opposite of denial; absolutely not the kind of acceptance that said, "Once you agree with people bulldozing you then you will be happy." The kind of acceptance that said, "Yes. This person bulldozes you. No you do not have the tools to deal with it. Now what?" Once again. Please do not confuse this with accepting the unacceptable.
Often I've heard people say, "Accept it" in the face of their doing something unacceptable. These are those controlling people we've seen. When I hear that, today, in my mind I say, "Okay. I will." Then I take proper and healthy steps to insure I do not have to "agree with it". In this, I can set a boundary, remove my geographical location, use my voice, or even detach. So I'm not telling them I agree with their behavior and will sit by and be a passive participant again. I am rather saying, I acknowledge this is who you choose to be and now I will take proper steps to secure myself. And that's how acceptance is liberating.
Acceptance is the Answer
Acceptance in the answer to every problem. It needs to be. If I do not accept, first there is even a problem, how can I seek a solution? Sometimes I need to accept my own limitations. And maybe other times I need to accept another person's limitations. In all cases I find myself upset or distraught based on external influences, if I can search for the "acceptance" I need to apply, I am almost assuredly guaranteed to begin the steps for finding a solution.
My Related Newsvine Articles of Potential Benefit
Images and Text, Copyright © 2008, Digits. Creative Commons. Share with Credit.
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{"commentId":1708230,"authorDomain":"RebelGirl"}
Wow! This is amazing! Thank you sooo much, I think mine is just a glimmer of hope in regards to yours! Thanks Digits! You Rock SISTA!!
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie?? Amazing stuff huh?
{"commentId":1708230,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"RebelGirl"}
- 4 votes
#1 - Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:42 PM EDT{"commentId":1708841,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1708260,"authorDomain":"fugitive247"}
Fantastique, dear Digits! Sis, your candor and eloquence never fails to astound. ♥
{"commentId":1708260,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"fugitive247"}
- 5 votes
#2 - Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:51 PM EDT{"commentId":1708845,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1708386,"authorDomain":"abcrow"}
Digits you are an inspiration. Thank you for the article.
I have a sister in law who has OCD and struggles with control issues. Her son who is 10 is now showing OCD tendencies (multiple showers each day, reading 300 page novels daily, obsessive cleaning, things like that). What are your thoughts on breaking the control cycle?
{"commentId":1708386,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"abcrow"}
- 5 votes
#3 - Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:23 PM EDT{"commentId":1708880,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1712652,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1721534,"authorDomain":"abcrow"}
Digits, thank you so much. I plan to read your other articles and digest this information a little more. I know with my sister in law that the need to control things is a major factor with her. What the root cause is, I don't know.
Some of this need for control has been passed down to my nephew and is surfacing with his OCD. I wonder if he is feeling helpless. He is very small for his age, very intelligent, and very quiet. I don't think he feels that he has a "voice."
I am glad that rather than throw a prescription at the problem, the family is taking him to a physiciatrist. Ben having OCD is very upsetting for me, but you have definitely given me many reasons to be hopeful, and I thank you.
~Ann
{"commentId":1721534,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"abcrow"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1723862,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1724877,"authorDomain":"abcrow"}
Me too, Digits :)
{"commentId":1724877,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"abcrow"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1709606,"authorDomain":"fscott"}
Yet another wonderful article, Digits - thank you.
{"commentId":1709606,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"fscott"}
- 3 votes
#4 - Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:49 AM EDT{"commentId":1712503,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1712815,"authorDomain":"DrKnow"}
My druid friends have a phrase - Perfect Love Perfect Trust
Perfect love has absolutely no conditions. You love them exactly for what they are, nothing more nothing less.
Perfect trust - trust them to be just as they are, do not expect more of them than they really will give or do.
You accept yourself and others just as they are. No expectations, no unrealistic expectations whatsoever.
{"commentId":1712815,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"DrKnow"}
- 6 votes
#5 - Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:26 AM EDT{"commentId":1714319,"authorDomain":"hamid"}
Out of the park Digits,
Inspiring indeed. I love your defining of acceptance, which is too often misconceived. Acceptance is not agreement, it is acknowledgment. Brilliant! Thank You...
{"commentId":1714319,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"hamid"}
- 4 votes
#6 - Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:05 PM EDT{"commentId":1723890,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1722188,"authorDomain":"Blueflameleo"}
Very nice digits i might have to look into obtaining some of theses tools hank you.
{"commentId":1722188,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"Blueflameleo"}
- 2 votes
#7 - Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:03 PM EDT{"commentId":1723894,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1728844,"authorDomain":"ronco104"}
hi digits, luv. do you know of instances where the 'controlled' are controlled bymore than one person, such as two, three or more? being an alcoholic and suffering from ocd, depression, low-self esteem , ect., i tend to be surrounded by people, or is it i i tend to surround myself with people, who are controlling. nearly everyone in my world has a stronger personality than myself. this has been probably THE most significant, and personally disabling aspect of my life. i am always subordinate, or submissive to those around me. it kills me to constantly be shut down or shut out of things, especially to do with family. the two brothers i have mentioned before have done this to me since early kidhood.
iot might be helpful to know that out of five kids, these two and me are the only ones to have substance abuse problems. we of course grew out of the late sixties and seventies and took mind expansion to heart. while i am the only one to actually be alcoholic, or at least admit to it, i am the punching bag, so to speak.
my question is if you deal with others who are controlled not only by family members, but also friends co-workers, hell, you name it. i once had a dog that......
luv,
ron
{"commentId":1728844,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"ronco104"}
- 2 votes
#8 - Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:31 AM EDT{"commentId":1730363,"authorDomain":"ronco104"}
i forgot to ask at what point does acceptance becomes resignation? that seems to fit me more at this point in my life. i am just resigned to the fact that those around me are going to control me, or try and there is not a hell of a lot that i can do. at 53 i should be your basic manly type man and stand up for myself, but aftyer this many years, i am just beaten down. i don't want to sound wimpy, though i'm sure i do, but it takes on a life of its own after awhile. its certainly not what i want....
luv,
ron
{"commentId":1730363,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"ronco104"}
- 2 votes
#9 - Thu Apr 24, 2008 4:23 PM EDT{"commentId":1732347,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1735202,"authorDomain":"fugitive247"}
Digits said:
I think the controlled are like walking bulls eye targets where every controlling person can sense them out. I really do. And so many people seem to not be happy unless they are controlling, so they look for people who will take it.
No kidding. And boy- don't they raise hell when we get well (or determined) enough to assert ourselves despite their insistence that we're not even capable of doing so much as matching a pair of socks! **sheesh**
Fear can be a significant stumbling block. For so long many of us have been bullied, blackmailed, and subjected to all manner of emotional guerrilla warfare all to keep us in line with others' expectations of maintaining their perceptions of right living for us. How dare we rock their boat!
Screw that, man! I'm normally not one for using slogans and 12-step-isms, but these certainly apply...
- Fear is the opposite of faith.
- Courage is fear that's said its prayers.
Awesome discussion, friends! ♥
{"commentId":1735202,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"fugitive247"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1736353,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1734425,"authorDomain":"ronco104"}
oy!!! thanks digits, i really feel better. i thank you for all you say. i have not been to an aa meeting in years, or any sort of counseling for that matter. i hate the 'needy' feeling i get, but i do need to hear how others, and you especially have come to grips and have learned to work through yall's situations. being a small town, groups are coming and going and never seem to last long. as for a regular counselor, i can't get indigent health in my county to pay for that.
it helps me so much to be reminded of the inner power we have over our lives and our situations. my worst problem is forgetting many of the things you mentioned. i can just feel what you felt with the friend you mentioned. i have been in similar situations, and always i would wind up apologizing for something that was not my fault to begin with. now thats sick.
you are a wonderful person to take time to help others, digit. thanks so much...i keep telling myself that change is good...thats what they said in rehab, anyway!!!!
luv,
ron
{"commentId":1734425,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"ronco104"}
- 3 votes
#10 - Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:36 PM EDT{"commentId":1736390,"authorDomain":"digits"}
{"commentId":1737130,"authorDomain":"ronco104"}
wow, thank you digits. i have never had anyone really go through the trouble to show me and teach how to help myself as much as you have. i promise i will check out your work, now....
if there is ever anything i can do, just let me know. i have always been a fairly good listener. the last semester of college i had, i changed my major to social work to eventually help other alcohlics.....someday!!!!
anyway, thank you, and if i can ever return the favor...
luv,
ron
{"commentId":1737130,"threadId":"252197","contentId":"1438512","authorDomain":"ronco104"}
- 2 votes
#11 - Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:58 PM EDT{"commentId":1738732,"authorDomain":"digits"}
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